Rarely do I write about myself on my own blog. It is mostly my experiences, ideas and epiphanies that scramble onto my blog-posts. But sometimes, some suppressed emotions of the past or present cry out loud for expression and then it becomes difficult to ignore them. And mostly these emotions are sad, pessimistic and dark. And not being able to withhold them , I just scribble them out onto my diary or on my blog hoping to find a solution to these pessimistic tendencies. But then deep down I know that I make a noise, which is drowned in the silence of loneliness.
These days, I feel a great inferiority complex running into my system, that seems to eat me from within. And the worst part is that I can only feel restless and isolated by this feeling. I dive deep into the causes of it, and I find out that maybe destiny wants me to be like this. I just can’t help it. I feel sometimes how immature people around me are and then at other times how childish I have been myself. I think i have become like one of the numerous dry leaves, which the autumn wind keeps blowing around without any mercy. I feel so vulnerable at times that I start wondering about the nature of this life. Sometimes I feel like running away to some secret place, away from all these formalities and deceptions.
Well, I know I did lose a very dear friend a few months ago, not to death, or some calamity but to the stab that he gave me on my back. And now, today when we try to strike up the same friendship all over again, it all seems so fake and dull that I don’t feel like even looking into his eyes.
I think I got a long way to go. And I hope that I do go a long way. And in case I do not, I still rest in peace knowing too well that I am hardly of any significance to people or the surroundings that are significant to me. So now I sleep, with my eyes closed and my heart still aching; but happy to know that there’s nothing that aches for me.